Montgomeryspeak

by Stephen P. Gordon
08-29-03

Governor Riley’s aide, David Stewart, referred to the people of Alabama as stupid. David Bronner, CEO of Retirement Systems of Alabama, called a great deal of us functionally illiterate. It is indeed fortunate that we are such vapid imbeciles, otherwise we might become wise to what the self-appointed enlightened ones are up to these days.

As an example, on September 9, we vote on the Alabama Excellence Initiatives, but apparently not on 1.2 billion dollars of new taxes. Should you doubt me, investigate the wording of the ballot on which you will be voting. We are to be thankful to Montgomery for illuminating us about the politically-correct new way to describe taxation.

Were we Alabamians smarter, we might think such re-invention of the English language a bit Orwellian. Because we are so ignorant, they will have to improve the education system in order to provide future generations of sheeple who can more easily understand the meanings of words uttered by the geniuses in the state capital. Since we are such dolts, it is we who should foot the bill.

A little coercion may be required, such as force marching the students of the University of Alabama Greek organizations to listen to Riley speak in Tuscaloosa. Fortunately, such activity frees the minds of our students from crimethink.

Perhaps, similar to Orwell, they can call the new and improved education system the Department of Truth. After all, it is the primary mouthpiece of government propaganda, of late. Perhaps even a statewide Truth Tour is in order.

A little coercion may be required, such as force marching the students of the University of Alabama Greek organizations to listen to Riley speak in Tuscaloosa. Fortunately, such activity frees the minds of our students from crimethink. In Orwell’s book entitled 1984, crimethink is defined as even the consideration of any thought not in line with that of the government. No longer do students at our universities have to fear the free exchange of ideas.

But what of the ubiquitous arguments of illegality in the education system which abound lately? Never fear, doublethink is here. Doublethink is defined as the power to hold two completely contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accept both of them. Bill Clinton was once the undisputed champion of the use of doublethink, with his "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."

The new champion, Attorney General Bill Pryor, uses doublethink in two opinions regarding this election. Recently, he opined that lobbying means appealing to individual voters. He also stated that promoting or contesting referenda, such as these tax increases...oops, Excellence Initiatives, is not political activity. Thanks to doublethink, Ed Richardson and the rest of the education department are no longer breaking the law. And we idiots always thought that lobbyists go to Montgomery, and that campaigning for or against a ballot initiative is political activity.

Pryor’s other opinion tells us that since there are no candidates involved in the September 9 election, we are not entitled to having poll watchers monitor our ballot boxes. For the cynical amongst us, Marsha Folsom, the executive director of the state Democratic Party, puts our simple minds at ease with "I don't think people will engage in voter fraud. Absolutely not."

Orwell tells us that "War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength." Riley adds: Tax hikes are accountability.

We have two choices facing us on September 9. We can be what Orwell called goodthinkers. A goodthinker will follow the enlightened dictates of Bob Riley, Susan Pace Hamill, Bill Pryor, Ed Richardson, David Stewart, Paul Hubbert, David Bronner, Winton Blount, and over half of our legislature by voting yes.

The alternative is crimethink, following our own moronic instincts by voting "NO." As for me, I shall join my stupid comrades in not bowing down the sanctimonious geniuses in Montgomery, and shall vote no to giving them more of my money, my mind, or my freedom.


Stephen P. Gordon is the Legislative Director of the Libertarian Party of Alabama, and a member of Citizens for a Sound Economy, Veterans of Foreign Wars and the American Legion.

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