by D.V. Bowden

“Police helicopter shot the sky;
Police helicopter landin' on my eye.
Police helicopter takes a nose-dive;
Police helicopter, he ain't shy.”

--"Police Helicopter" by
The Red Hot Chili Peppers

BWAP! BWAP! BWAP! BWAP! BWAP! There it is again! It's the sound of the Tuscaloosa Police helicopter zooming over. It's a constant source of racket lately. Ask these folks (scroll to bottom). What's going on? It's sounds like living in Los Angeles or some other giant crime-ridden metropolis. Do the cops really need to be constantly airborne? How much does running this helicopter cost? Are the crooks airborne too? Do the cops need "air superiority"? It's not like we have a lot of high-speed freeway chases here. What is the chopper doing zooming around town all day? Maybe they're scaring away the aliens, though a better bet would be something like this.

I used to live near an army base, so I saw helicopters all the time. The army choppers, however, tended to pass by and fly away somewhere else, rather than constantly hovering around making a nuisance of themselves. Don't the Tuscaloosa Police have us under close enough surveillance already, what with the ubiquitous spy cameras everywhere? I mean, they can already zoom in on women's chests to make sure they aren't hiding contraband in their shirts–what more can the chopper do? Maybe the cops will mount a mini-gun on the chopper next, a la Blue Thunder. Then they can really show us who's boss. Blue Thunder even had "whisper mode," so that it didn't make so much racket. If they're going to spy on us, at least they could do it quietly.

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